| Deism > I have found,
through much reflection and rumination,
that Deism has, for me, provided the spiritual comfort
I really could have used when suffering teenage
depression. Therefore, I would like to share about it,
that it might help others.
First, perhaps, I should describe how I came to Deism.
My spiritual journey has been a long and winding one,
and it has found many a dead end. I was always raised
with a sense of moral values based in traditional
Christian teachings, but my family was not
particularly religious, and we did not attend church.
My first experience with church, then, was when my
grandmother died. Then we went to the church, and I
was intrigued by all the talk of God and Jesus how my
grandmother was with them. At the time I found it
comforting, and I came to believe it all. The first
doubt I had came from actually reading that book I had
heard so much about, the Bible. I found it quite
doubtful. I kept reading it, though, to see if, in
fact, there was anything in it to help me; I was
disappointed. Other deaths in the family, particularly
that of my other grandmother, which was very slow and
exceedingly painful, caused me, finally, to hate God.
So I looked to other things, paganism, atheism, mainly
as a way to get away from God, or, more precisely, to
try to piss God off. I don't think my basic belief in
God ever went away, but it was not helped by the
constant ridicule and torment that was junior high
school. Why does God subject me to this, I thought,
knowing the answer: because I hate Him. Deuteronomy
32:41 told me about God: "If I whet my glittering
sword, and mine hand take hold on Judgement, I shall
render vengeance to mine enemies, and reward them that
hate me." This was my reward, this hell on earth.
The
situation was little improved in high school, and
suicide was often on my mind, but I lacked the thing
necessary therefor: a means by which to achieve my
death that I was not afraid to inflict upon myself. If
I had had access to a gun, be assured that I would not
be writing this now. It was not until just a few short
years ago that this feeling subsided. It was replaced
with acceptance. Acceptance that people will be how
they are, and what they say means nothing. As if
coming to this realisation were not hard enough for
me, I had to struggle with this other feeling, this
repressed, evil feeling that I could not escape from,
but that I could not admit or accept. In my very
earliest memory, it is there, a quaint, childlike
curiosity, which grew larger as I did, and when
eventually I became aware of it, there was no stopping
it, and it filled my being. To this very day, it is
hard to admit that I am gay, but each day, my
acceptance of myself becomes greater. All these things
have challenged my faith in God. That faith, or at
least the belief in God, has never ceased, and now it
grows whenever I think of it. I began to think about
God, and I came up with some odd ideas, which were
scrapped, but the ones that stayed have developed
themselves to the point where I can again call it a
religious faith. This time, though, it is not
Christianity. I knew that I could not go back to that.
I had no idea what it was, or that, indeed, many
others shared it. I only recently found out that my
belief was called Deism, and that it has been shared
by such great men as Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin
Franklin, Thomas Paine, Ethan Allen and George
Washington, to name just a few. Unlike most people,
however, I came to my belief entirely independent of
writings or teachings; I came to my belief through the
exploration of my own mind, and also through looking
beyond all things, beyond even the Universe itself,
and there I found God. This, I believe, is the path to
enlightenment. This is what I have seen. When
enlightenment is reached, contentment fills the mind,
and peace prevails in the spirit. But it cannot be
taught. You must search, and when you find what you
are looking for, you will know.
-Jim Cadwell
P.S.: For information on Deism go to www.deism.com
|