personal stories
october
2002


I don't know how far back my depression really goes, but maybe once I \par started highschool. About 4 years ago I guess. I was an average girl, a lot of friends, very talented athlete, good grades, great family, the 'perfect life'.

But in everything I did, it didn't feel right. Constantly being compared to my sister who was 'miss perfect' in my parents eyes and was just everything that I was not took its toll on me.

I was sad a lot, sometimes for some unknown reasons. But I played hockey and it made me feel good. Until I got hurt. My hip starting aching and hurting. Like a knife stabbing in and out 24/7. I had to quit hockey, and was put through hell with testing trying to find out what was wrong. Nothing came up. I was slowly dying inside from the way I was feeling. It eventually toned down but made everyday a nightmare.

I would go up and down, feeling good for a few days, then completely sad for weeks. I lost all my friends because I didn't want to do anything, and even hockey didn't excite me anymore. Then last year, a friend that I went to school with since kindergarten took his life and I went downhill even more. I was in a constant rollercoaster. hurting inside and not being able to open up, I started to cut, or just hitting myself over and over again till I bruised. It relaxed me.

This school year startted off pretty bad. I almost took my life one morning and got scared and I told a teacher I was close with the minute I got to school. And from there a whole bunch of things happened. Him and I talked and talked and it felt good. Then he brought me to a guidance counsellor and she called my mother right away. Which ruined our relationship. She doesn't talk to me and appears to be in denial. It was so horrible, I dropped 10lbs putting me just at 100lbs, I didnt sleep or eat, I was a zombie. Then my teacher suggested getting some anti- depressants, but my mother never made me an appointement, so his fiancÚ took me. And she also takes me to peer support to talk to other people who are in the same boat as me.I am now on Celexa, its been almost a month, and things haven't changed yet. I am 'numb' inside and very apathetic. I constantly zone out and have no idea whats going on around me. The thought of taking my own life has passed but I still want to die. Death does not fear me, and I try to do everything to made my death look like an accident.

But I am getting through slowly one day at a time, but it does feel good that I opened up to people, and you know that you are not alone.

AC, 17

 

Where do I begin? Well, I guess that i've been depressed for about..... my whole life.... I know that that's sounds extreme but I don't really know when I haven't felt this way. It came out in eighth grade with the help of some "friends" that I had recently made.

They, appropriately, turned their backs on me and basically through me to the dogs.I was so devastated that I planned on killing myself that afternoon. I sat in the bathroom with a razor to my wrist and the hope that I would have the balls to go with it. But I sat there and cried like a baby. I couldn't do it. So that killed that idea. I then decided to build a wall around my heart so that no one would ever know how miserable I was.

Time passed and I went on to high school. Freshmen, sophomore, junior, and finally senior year. I had finally made friends and got myself established as the quiet, outgoing, thoughtful, religious, person. I had a handful of good friends and that was good enough for me. I had really lost track of feeling sad and engulfed myself in academics.

I was the "A" student that every parent wanted... I had a steady job at Jewel that I was good at and even made friends there. So anyway, everything was ok I guess.. when all of a sudden I hit the wall. There was no where left to go but down... I began to start slacking in my school work.... and I was crabby all the time... no one wanted to be around me and me life, as I knew it was falling apart. Then one day, at school I had my long overdue nervous breakdown. I completely broke down right in the middle of the hall.

It was like something out of a soap opera. I just started crying and crying and screaming bloody murder..... The school called my mom and all I could say to her was that I couldn't do it anymore.... she came right over and my counselor explained that I had had a breakdown and was enable to finish school. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I was supposed to be perfect.... I went home and didn't go to school for the rest of the week. What was happening to me?

I had a flash back of a year ago. I was walking into my parents room with my heart in my chest. I walked in and said, "Mom Dad I have a problem. I've been feeling rather down lately and I don't know what to so about it. Oh yeah, and I've been seeing people in my closet and hearing things in my head." Needless to say, they freaked out. They immediatelytook me to our family doctor....an allergist. I told him what was going on and basically he told me that I was making it up and that I should stay away from psychology.... my passion.

My mom believed him without a second thought and I was lost.... even the doctor thought I was making it up. So my parents didn't want to hear anything else about it....that was that.

That following year I found myself suicidal and even attempted to overdose on aspirin(which is hard to do). I finally told one of my friends that I was having this problem and her mother referred me to a doctor. My mother was furious that I went to someone outside of my family about the problem but if she wouldn't believe me, someone else had to. I saw this counselor who referred me to another counselor named Janna. I began to tell her my story and she advised me to get on medication. I was miserable but I was stable for the moment. I went to see my counselor Janna and she told me that I would have to go to a hospital for a while. My heart broke right there. Me a... hospital....it was unreal. I admitted myself to a hospital in Winfield... bufu for me. I went there instead of going to school. I was so afraid that no one would like me..... that I would be strange..... and I was, but that's not the case.... I made fast friends with some people in the program .... they became my psych ward buddies.....

I spent about two months there... I graduated high school thank god.... and I was on my way to becoming a college student. Could I do college? Who knew? Anyway after a while, I started feeling like I was unsafe with myself at home so I admitted myself into the real hospital. I've never been so scared in my whole life. The people were so scary and the rooms were so cold. We walked around the hospital in our socks since EVERYTHING was considered contraband. Shoelaces, teddy bears, anything metal, pens, pencils, razors(duh), glass, everything. It felt like prison. Sleep, Pills, Lecture, Video, Free Time,Eat, Visiting Hour, Discussion Group, Eat, Pills, Sleep do it all over again..... The foil mirrors and the smell of the rooms will never leave my mind. Everyday they'd ask, How Are You Feeling? And everyday I would say, Crappy..... I still do.

Anyway, while I was in there my parents came to visit. They might as well have stayed at home. My mom came and pretended that we were in our living room having a friendly chat. My mom even brought prom pictures to the hospital... we couldn't talk about anything else... but we just had to talk about prom. We couldn't ask how we were doing.... no just pretend that nothing was happening. When I left the hospital my sister and my mom took me to a mall... that's the WORST place to take a person that has just gotten out of a mental hospital..... there were just too many people and too much noise.... they just didn't get it... they couldn't understand what had and was happening to me. They just expected me to pick up the pieces and be the girl they once knew. Well, time just passed by for a while. I didn't work... didn't do anything, because I was "too sick" according to my family. I became the family secret.... no one could know what was going on with me.

Well, the summer passed and all of my friends finally found out what had happened to me. And life was becoming more stable. After a about a year, my boyfriend and I broke up... or separated, for a better way of saying it. One day I received a phone call from a guy that I went out on a date with. He was yelling at me saying that all of his friends were calling him a rapist because I said that he was going a little too fast on our first date. Well, this was the straw that broke the camel's back.... I immediately grabbed the pills and started chugging.... When my friend Steph found out she came right over, then my mom found out and began to make mustard water to make me throw up the pills( by the way, mustard water is the nastiest thing in the world....NEVER try it) my dad took me and Steph to the hospital and from there they admitted me into a hospital again. This time I felt like an old pro. I wasn't afraid, I just felt like a fool for ending up there. I ended up in another program and had to go to it everyday, till my days ran out. (Insurance companies are the devil!)

I made some friends that I still have today (thanks buddy) and I can honestly say that I feel better. And I've found out a lot about myself that I've never thought about before. I found out that I have past trauma.... I was sexually abused when I was a child growing up by a girl in the neighborhood.... and I was further more abused by my cousin.... and further more abused by the guy who's friends said that he raped me... although technically he didn't..... and I was also beaten by my mom when I was a kid. All of this stuff really messed me up. And I will never be the same because of it but I am who I am.... and I wouldn't trade my story for anyone else's in all the world because it's mine and no one can take it from me.

I guess I should say something about religion... well, I moved away from god for a while.... I felt that there couldn't be a God if there was all this stuff happening to me... then I thought that the voices that I heard were god telling me that I was a dirty person and not fit to live..... well, that time has passed... I'm not placing myself in a certain religion but I am a religious person... I believe that there is someone out there lookin out for me.... and that's enough for me. Well, I've taken up enough room venting.... this is my life... this is who I am... so deal with it.