personal stories
march
2002


It all started, we could say, since i'm a kid and as far as i can remember it. School wasen't that all great. Getting teased evry day, and around my 6th year, i got into fights. It was a small country school, so nothing much was done back then. I was always afraid of getting in the bus, and until about 2 years ago, i had food thrown at me, being called names, and some papers launched to me with those elastics.. it really hurted, and i got hit by one under the eye once. What was worst back then, was that it was always the same gang bugging me, and they had every new people at school get against me quickly. I went to talk to the director once, and it only got evrything even worser, thats why i almost never went to see anybody afterwards. That gang were like the top of evrything in that small school ( 200 students ) and evrybody was quite influenced by them, so each time i had a friend, he or she would leave after a week or so. I was mostly around Teachers, and one good thing there is that you get close to those teachers if they're good. But those teachers coulden't do much themselves. And one of them was so bad that she threw me in detention because i received a snowball upside the head, i felt guilty then of talking of my probs. From then on, i kept my mouth shut. In class sometimes i heard comments being said about me. Ok, not sometimes, but alot of times. I hated when we had to do oral presentations, or asking something for a problem, so i went on and sometimes my grades were affected by it, but then, anything not to get attention was perfect. Years went by, got laughed at, grew to be solitary.. At recess, when a teacher i didn't knew was watching, i was just sitting on the stares staring at the ground, not thinking about anything, and moved like a robot hearing the bell. Evrery day i woke up and felt down knowing my day, and i was glad that on weekends that i wouldent go to school, but the fact that nobody would come to my place hurted.. The fact too that i didn't, and still dont, have a real house made me ashamed.. After the years in primary, came highschool, thats when evrything started to trigger. There was alot of ppl of my old school in it, and i was, like, totally shy! And in my first year i was in a special program, it was real hard. I wrote my first letter of suicide, and i don't know how, it was found, but when it was, i had to go see the school concellor. He told me lots of stuff, i didnt quite listen, but i saw some person after who works with families after i had ALOT of un-done homeworks. That woman talked about the suicide letter while my mother was there, that didn't help at all, i guess that got me to get more away from my mom than i already was. I had to get off that program that year, and getting in a new class got me what i feared most, attention. Evrything got worst then. People called my names, got teased because of my hairs, in class people would yell at me how ugly i was, had spits balls upside the head, and you name it! That year was hell, but i finally managed to get some friends wich i still got. But i still have some scars to it. Like my temper. I can't take jokes on my looks, i easely get angry and i get pissed off easely. And when depression kicked in, you could see my moods in all color passing from black to green. I didn't tell anybody my probs and i kept evrything bottled up. And when i say evrything, it's evrything. The years after were ok though, so lets just drop school off. On with the worst part... Family.

Now i know alot of ppl wich have good families even though they're seperated. Having seperated parents really was the thing wich started my depression. It's not the fact that they seperated, but the coming of HIM..... My step father. When me and my step-sister were younger, he slapped us on the thighs and left red marks, he'd call me names, he fought alot with my mom, broke things infront of us, that left a mark in me.. I always feel like breaking something when i'm angry.. Anyways, moving on. My step dad is the one who acts on his anger and thinks of the consequences after. He would hit us on the arms or head when we would do something that he thought wrong, when we didn't do things right, like cleaning, or helping him with our animals. So growing up, i didnt had, and still do, not have a great selfesteem. I never had the guts to talk about it to an adult, and i still intend not to for personal reasons. When i got around 14, he would bitch at me badly and if i didnt dodge some of his hits.. Well you get the picture. One night, this year, he came and picked me and my sis from school, and he was blaming us for it. At a stop, he stopped and a lady was going by, and he hitted the speed pedal! We didnt hit her, but we were so damn near of it.. I could clearly saw her face when she saw the truck ( ours ) coming on her, and theres was a van on the other side, so she couldnt turn. He's mad, i really swear he is! Anyways, he always and still lowers me to the level of a scum, he treats us like slaves almost. When we dont get good enough grades, he yells at us and all. And once my sis had missed the bus by accident, and he blamed her. I tried to take her defence, since i am older. We were both sitting on the couch, and when i tried to talk, he leaned towards me and he glared at me wich such hateful eyes.. He raised his hand for a hit, and all that time, my mother was just watching, doing nothing! She didn't lift a finger to stop him from falsely accusing my little sister. Life is mainly like that all the time around, yelling and bitching. I get in huge fights with my mom, and its a struggle not to get a hit from the man. I know theres worst out there, and i'm always willing to lend an ear to somebody who needs 2 be listend, and i want to state that without my dear ONLINE friends, i would have been gone along time ago.. My dad is a great guy, and my step dad makes my life a hell.. If theres somebody that has the same probs than me out there, talk to it with somebody, like a psychologist or a close friend, and if he tries anything one little hit, keep in mind that he CANT DO THAT, alright? That's mostly how my life goes on eachday.. And i hope someday i will get out of this depression. If i can't, i know you all can, have faith in yourselves, because your all beautiful, strong and intelligent, the ones who teases you sometimes are having probs themselves and wants attention, fight them back, show them you aint weak! Ja Ne!

 

I can relate to every teenager out there. Not because of the age or the
mentality...but the strength. Everyone has it in them. Im sure if your
reading this you have heard this many times but the truth is it exists... Two
years ago I didnt know what was going on. I was scared. It seemed my life was
falling apart and there was nothing that even I could do. . I remember nights
of loneliness. Although everyone was near...i wasnt quite there. I was gone.
One day I sat in my room and just started crying, and I began cutting myself.
This scared me seeing as how I was always told only "crazy" people do that.
What was happening to me? Was I was crazy? No! It took me a full three years
to find that out. No one can find it out for you though! Last year cutting
into myself became almost a hobby. I didnt care i was hurting myself. I was
under so much anxiety that when I cut myself I was totally oblivious to the
pain. It didnt even bother me anymore. I constintly though of suicide. I
hated everything about myself...looks...body...friends..attitude. I stoped
caring. And no one understood me, or care. At least that's the way I felt. I
started throwing up my food consistantly..and lying to my parents and getting
into things I shouldnt have. Nobody took notice to my problems for months.
One day me and my mom were in the car and she came out and said she knew I
had a food disorder. I stopped. I just wanted someone to take notice in my
problems no matter how extreme I took myself until they did so. This year was
the worst. I went back to throwing up my food, constintly crying, plotting
the perfect suicide..the note..everything. 2 of the closest people in my life
were having problems. When i was younger i would remember nights of my mother
crying and days of pain. I had been given a ride by one of my friend's
mothers after school one day and came home to a cop car in my front yard. I
just denied the car at my house when my friend asked and said it was the
neighbors. But it wasnt i went inside to a trashed house and my mom's head
bleeding. A close relative had hurt my own mother! One of the worst nights of
my life approached just a while later. I used to sleep in my school clothes
for the next day just incase me and my mother would have to leave....well it
so happened one night we had to leave....my mother took me to my aunts house
hours away while she went somewhere else. I was so scared i left everything
behind. I had a lot going on and way to much to write all of it. So i'm going
to end this by telling you how i became a better person for me, and everyone
around me. One day I went on a retreat. One of my friends had mentioned it to
me. I basically figured ,well theres nothing else to do so why not? That
weekend i discovered something so pure....myself. I was with a group of 60
people who loved me right of the bat. no judgment was passed, nor was
anything that wasnt positive. My retreat was called "search". I found out so
much! How to love myself. Which is what everyone needs to do! I never thought
i would be "myself" again. But I realized no one can help me but me. Today
only a month later since the retreat I find myself looking deeper. I realized
teenagers just as me were going through tough times. But there is always
someone out ther who can relate..

 

I guess this is worth publishing. When I was about 2 my parents devorced, for the most part I lived with my dad. At night I would stay up waiting to have all my problems go away but they never did. I always thaught I was the reason my parents devorced. AS i grew up my dad remarried and got devorced and my mom married to my current step dad and had to little boys. Every day my dad would tell me have a nice day and would drive me to school and that was about all the conversation we had. We faught all the time and couldn't be in one room for more then 5 minutes. I moved into the middle school and made a lot of friends but my home life just became worse. I started to cut my legs where noone woudl see them, and burn my arms and say i did it by an accedent. My friends started to catch on but never said anything to me about it. I decided to move in with my mom and try to start over. So I moved in and everythign was going good. My dad started to become really close with me and stopped fighting with me. The he started to get mad, my friends from my old school turned on me and said I was running from my problems and I had no right to just leave. I started to hate my life and still do in soem ways. I started to go to school with my friends at my moms house. I still hate my self and my old friends still ahet me. My dad and grandparents have started fighting with me all the time and I have basicly stopped eating except for a drink at lunch and maybe dinner every few days. And if I eat more offen then that I try to throw it up. I haven't lost mucyh weight and I don't show how much im hurting inside to anyone. Even my closest friend think im fine. I have started to think abotu burning and cutting myself again. And now I have a boyfriend that I like and friends thta would care about ti if they found out. I'm trying to get over my depression but my house keeps gettign worse when im at my dads. It has coem to the point where he has thrown me out and I have stayed at friends houses all day trying not to go home. I hate my self more then ever and I am starting to take it out on my brothers. My mom yells at me to stop and I just go runnign out the door. Now I have no conntect with anyone from my odl school and I have friends at my new school. My dad used to tell me every day not to do drugs and that he was a good boy all he did was smoke and he quit when i was born, but i found out today from my momt hat my dad did drugs until he was about 34 or 36. I donno what to believe anymore and I can't help but want to cry every time I see anyone.
~Jen~/~Jazzy~

 

My name is Teri and I am 18 years old. For two years I have battled with depression and thoughts of suicide, finally to say that I have won. Two years ago, I broke up with the "love of my life". Actually, he broke up with me. Sounds kind of cliche, doesn't it. Girl meets guy, falls in love, and he breaks her heart. Too bad it wasn't that easy for me. My ex was a scrawny guy but a real sweetheart. He was afraid of his stepdad, and for good reason. His stepdad abused him. He would beat the crap out of him and then through him in the pool outside. Even in the dead of winter. His stepdad was smart, he never hit hard enough to bruise, but hit plenty hard to hurt and to scare. Anyway, Nick, my ex, was told by his stepdad and his mom to break up with me fro many reasons that I will not discuss. Just know it was a hard time for both of us. I cried over and over every night straight for a month. I thought about suicide, I thought about killing him, I thought about killing his parents. Anything as long as someone was dead. I thought someone had to die to justify my hurting so bad. I hated Nick and then I hated myself for hating him. I put out a front so no one could tell how unhappy I really was. Know one knew but my two best friends and there boyfriends. "Oh you will find some one else. Don't worry. You will find someone and forget all about Nick," they would say. I guess they didn't know how bad I was hurting inside. I kept it to myself and let it fester and fester until it hurt more and I told myself that release was down the hallway and in the kitchen. I think the only thing that has kept me alive is the fact that I couldn't hurt my loved ones by killing myself. If only they knew that they were what was keeping me alive.

I am over my depression now. Good friends and a loving family helped me without even knowing. But I shouldn't have let it go so long. If only I had said something in the early stages of my depression, I could have gotten help. I wouldn't have cried myself to sleep almost everynight for two years, I wouldn't have lied awake, wondering if it would really hurt my family and friends if I killed myself. I even wondered if they would care, if Nick would care. I am lucky that I am here to share my story today. I could very well not be. Thank God I am becuase maybe me sharing my story can help you or someone else. I know what it is like to feel like I don't have anyone to talk too. Don't feel that way, if nothing else you can talk to me. My email is tsooter2001@yahoo.com. Please use it serioulsy if you need help or just to talk. I check my email just about everyday so rest assured that I WILL see you.

 

Do you know what it is like to fall in love? Do you know what it is like just to fall? How about what it feels like to have not seen your dad in years and your mother looks you straight in your eyes and tells you that she doesn't care about you or what you do? its like your heart has just exploded and you can't breath. Your head starts to pound and your eyes fill with tears. Your face becomes tear stained and your eyes sore. You start to shake. It feels as though everything that you ever held dear to you has just slapped you in the face. It is so painful that it doesn't even hurt...it numbs you!

 

In the sixth grade i wasn't really popular and i didn't consider myself pretty. Sure i had friends, but to me that meant nothing. One day i was watching a television movie about a girl who cut herself. it scared me, yet it also intrigued me. i wondered why is she doing this to herself? then after watching more i dicovered she felt the same way i did. After that movie i was changed. i thought that cutting would be the only way out. About a day or two later, out of pure coincidence( i dint go looking for them) i found some razor blades. i thought about the movie and took one into the bathroom. I spent a period of about 10 minutes looking at it gleam in the light. finally i put the blade to my skin and carved into it. i didnt really cut myself much after that, but when the seventh grade came around i did. i did it more often. My friend who shall not be named found out and told the guidance counselor and she told my parents. my parents didnt really do much about it. my mom said "don't do it again" and my dad teased me about it.(but dont think they're horrible, my parents can be awesome). i was forced to sign a contract making me promise never to mutilate myself again. i didnt either until this year.
As an eighth grader there is a lot of pressure. boyfriends, grades, friends,betrayal,passing, etc. life is crazy for me. what hur tmost was that my best friends, the people i trusted, turned on me and became my enemies within a days matter. It really hurt to have that happen. i found my old raor a slit myself again. for me, pain was invincible. today i told my best friend(who shall not be named) what happened. to my surprise she didnt laugh or yell at me. she said (in exact words) :
"Sometimes when the world is being a pain in our butt, we dont know how to respond. In some cases we cry, some we laugh it off, some hurt themselves. They, the people like you, hurt themselves because the pain the world causes them is emotional. I think that they want to get it out of their heads so they make it become physical. In your case thats how you feel. I know its how you feel because i care so much about you as my friend that i take the time to listen and learn who you are. You are a great person, its time you show it, but the only way to overcome the pain is to just forget about it. dont make it physical, dont keep it mental, just destroy it by laughing it off. stop what you're doing to yourself. If the mental scars dont go away, what makes you think the physical ones will? just give me your blade and promise me you wont even look at another one.I dont want to lose my best friend.i love you."
therefore my inspiration came from my bestfriend. she made me realise that im doing the wrong thing. i did hand her my blade and i hugged her. even if she isnt a psychiatrist, she knows what shes talking about. because it came from her heart.
-kim

 

This year has been the worst for me. I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 and a half months, and my bestfriends took his side, so i was left stranded. Then a couple of months after, i found out that my bestfriend is going out with my exboyfriend, and i got so heartbroken that i slit my wrists, i done this 3 times so far, and have stopped myself the last time. I don't let my exbestfriend and exboyfriend get to me, even though they try their hardest to make me jealous.
Every month, i went through family problems, and I realised that if i was heavily depressed, i became suicidal. I can't tell anyone this because they'll think i'm craving for attention.
Also this year, one of my other bestfriends betrayed me, had caused a lot of friction with me, and then my family got included.
This year has been so depressive, whic has made me, as i've said before, suicidle. I told my mum earlier this year about my problems, and I suggested that i should go to a phsyciatrist, coucilor or whatever, so she just laughed. I went and visited my school councilor, but I don't think it has helped. Which is why i'm writng this email. What do i do to cut down on depression?

Depressive and Suicidal.

 

Dear Teens 4 Teens,
I dont know if my story is worth publishing but I do know what its like to be suffering from depression and how hard the fight is to get through it without taking your life. I was nearly 15 when my parents spilt up and I'm pretty sure thats what triggered my depressed moods. You cant exactly tell when you start to suffer from depression it's just something that sneaks up on you gradually, grabbing you then slowly pulling you down. After my dad moved out it felt like my safe and secure world had fallen apart. I didnt know why it had happened and wondered whether it was me who had caused it. Every night I would lay on my bed and listern to depressing music and cry. I thought that I would eventually get over it but it seemed to be getting worse as time ticked by. I wasnt sure if I was feeling this way because of my parents, sometimes people feel depressed for no reason at all, its something that cannot be explained. I would go to school and sit with my friends and feel like I did not even exist amongst the circle. All I felt like I wanted to do was die. This went on for months and months until I realized what was happening to me was not normal. The constant mood swings and depressed moods were affecting my schoolwork and my relationships with other people. I felt like no one could understand what I was going through and that I was all alone. I tried to talk to people about what I was going through but I felt embarrassed and I wasnt sure if I was over reacting. Not very long after my parents spilt up, my mum met someone else and before I knew it he and his daughter had moved into our house. I didnt feel as though it had been long enough and I could not accept these new people in my life. I thought that the depression was starting to go away but one day I woke up and I could not get out of bed because all I wanted to do was curl up and die and never see anyone ever again. I stayed in bed for 3 days before picking myself up and trying to move on. My best friend supported me and told me it was time for me to do something for myselfbefore it was too late. I spoke to mum and she arranged a counselor and a doctor. The counselor didnt work out but the doctor put me on anti-depressants, which helped stabilize my moods. I have now been on the pills for one month and I feel a lot better. I finally feel as though Im beginning to put my life back on track. When you feel depressed I think that its up to you to do something about it and make yourself better. Although things might seem really bad and you may feel as though you cannot go on, ending your life is NOT the answer. Even though you may not know it there are a lot of people who care about you and will support you if you are suffering from depression. I refuse to let a medical condition such as depression ruin my life. I have chosen to fight it with all the strength I have so I can be happy and live my life to the fullest.

 

Hello.
I am hear to explain to you something. I am only 15 but I know a lot about life and feelings. I have just recently realized that I am a lesbian. And just the fact that I am labeled as that is bad enough. Kids all through out the world are gay/lesbian/or Bi and they shouldn't have to be bothered by it. many suicides are because of ppl that get tormented by what they are....actually some are just because kids are so afraid to deal with it and so afraid to tell anyone that they just brake down and cant take it. I would have killed myself if it wasnt for my best friend. and its so hard to get help because kids don't want to turn to their parents because of disappointing them. and no one can get a therepist with out talking to their parents first. So basically i dunno. life is hard for anyone who is gay lesbian or bi and my sympathy goes out to you all. Hang in there it will get better little by little. trust me i am going through the same thing as you all

anonymous

 

I first began to feel unhappy in March 1999. My older brother killed himself that month. Instead of grieving for him I bottled it up. I think that hurt me later on. I was only 9 at the time.
Till then I never realised that there was a way out of the pain. After that, whenever I was depressed I used to wrap a cord round my neck and. I didn't want to die but it was habit. A habit I eventually outgrew. Then I became afraid to go to school. I was referred to a psychologist. After two sessions I went back to school and cut off contact.
Then in April 2000 I was sent back to my doctor with depression. I attended about 5 of the ten sessions I was assigned then once again cut off contact. Later that year I contracted Bulimia, which I kept a secret and eventually beat.

Then in September of this year I went to High School for the first time. I began feeling sick, dizzy, constant headaches, nervous, teary. I begin taking my mothers Kalms, a herbal stress remedy. I took 100 in two weeks till they ran out. Then it began again a month later. I somehow convinced myself it was cancer as cancer killed my grandparents and two of my aunts. I went to my doctor who said that the psychical symptoms were PMS. However he said he would once again refer me to psychologist.

That's where my story ends... for now. I'm waiting my psychologist to get in touch and for a scan. I want to get some help with this I suppose. For teens reading this who suffer from depression: Believe it or not, You're not alone. For parents of sufferers: Stand by your children and wait for the day when they are cured. And remember its not their fault.

Luv and Hugs,
Sarah Louise