personal stories
july
2002


 

I don’t know if it’s so hard for my family to give me just a few minutes to tell them how things are for real; but they just don’t let me. They want to know the answers but they don’t let me answer so they give place to suppositions which lead them nowhere. They think they know me but they know so little of me. They don’t know my fears, ‘cause nobody will bother on hearing my worries. No time or too busy or actually maybe to stupid to hear. I don’t know if I have such a terrible past on doing bad stuff or lying (which they how good a girl I’ve been until now) but it seems to be that they wouldn’t trust me shiet out of anything.

I don’t want anymore problems, I don’t want more fights, I want them to stop supposing and getting to know me at last. God! I’m a different person from what they think. I don’t like to visit sick people cause I don’t want to see anybody lying in bed looking miserable, I don’t know what to ask them, how to behave properly; I don’t want to lose anyone after getting attached. They say I don’t like old people but it’s just that the only thing they do in this house is think what I may be capable of instead of asking me.I like adults as long as they don’t live under this roof or behave as ignorant as my family does. That’s why I like to hang with my friends mostly, because they’re never telling me how stupid I am, or discussing themes with me that make me uncomfortable, they are just like me trying to get some peace and have fun one another, not screaming each other stuff and unsupporting. We talk about big subjects that our parents even think we’re to stupid too, we have strong views about stuff that shows how smart we are. My friends want me silly and stupid as my family  may think I act sometimes, but I’m a teenager god damn it! My friends care about listening, when everybody else is stressed out to, they see beyond the obvious and may spend days weeks or months giving head to my troubles, and later letting me know I can count on them anytime, anywhere, for anything.

I know that I’m not perfect, and that I have so many bad things, but for once try to see the good, u know, try to stop worrying about what I may do wrong and try to see if I’m improving ‘cause maybe I am and u were to busy noticing something else. Sometimes I wake so positive with all the heart and will to make everybody here happy but then someone comes in screaming to me and telling me how I am so stupid, and that I’m not fit for anything that I won’t have future been such a boring person when they have all the fault, cause everytime my face is in front of them all they do is insult me or start pushing me around, worrying me about stuff I wasn’t even thinking about.
I’m a big depresser and when I start burying myself under my insecurities I don’t need your help to get me deeper underground.

You say u want to help God! But for once think about me, think of me, think “in” me, actually do it and stop thinking about who u think I am. I’m disturbed by the way things work in this house and all that affects me sometimes keeps more away of been what u want me to.

People u r killing me each and everyday u take things away from me, u take  my friends without truly knowing them or trying to understand them, u take my joy, my solace away from me, u take my time and try to keep me locked in a cage around all your speculations, problems, worries, insecurities and a whole bunch of dumb reasons that u use to argument the fact that I’m not my own person, capable of reactions and feelings, capable of so much u wouldn’t even imagine and mostly if u don’t take some time to know me.

Anonymous