personal stories
january
2002


Last year was the most difficult year in my life. Ever since I could remember
I had everything I wanted and I was always happy, there was no reason not to
be. I had a good family, my dad travelled a lot, but that didn't bother me
too much and sure my parents argued a lot, but that was for as long as i
could remember so it seemed perfectly normal. Everything was fine.
Then one day I found out that my dad was cheating on my mum. I couldn't
believe it and I refused to believe it. Then I started listening to their
arguements and how my mum suspected something. I'd hear my dad answer, No,
it's just your imagination, you know I'd never do that to you , I love you.
When I heard those words was when I think everything started coming down for
me. I couldn't believe that the bastard could lie like that. Soon everyhting
and anything my dad would say, even what he thought about a movie(!) was
wrong to me and I interpretted it into a lie and argued the point.

A few months later my mum approached me and told me that my attitude towards
my father was crazy and that if i didn' t have a reason, that I couldn't keep
acting that way. She told me she thought I knew something more and she cried
to me telling me to tell her. I freaked out and didnt' say anything...I
wasn't going to be the one responsible for breaking up my family. So now i
felt guilty.
About 8 months had passed and the whoole time I was completely depressed. I
only slept 2 hours tops every night, I began cutting my arm in maybe
punishment to myself, I don't know what it was exactly, but I felt a sense of
relief after doing so. it was winter so i wore long sleeves and no one
noticed.Everyone in school told me i looked frightful and too pale and i had
to speak to the counselor. I don't like psychologists and this made me even
more angry.
One night my parents arguements were really bad and my dad repeated those
same exact words that had knocked me so many months back. I called him into
my room and I told him that I knew and that he had to stop doing it. He told
me a bunch of bullshit and that was the end of that converstation. But every
time my mum went out, we would argue and I remember i was so angry once that
i tried so hard to get him to punch me or somthing so that i had an excuse
for something, i didnt know what. He told me that it was my fault and that i
was crazy and only saying all this because i had always wanted him out of the
house. He told me he knew that i had thought this for about 11 months it was
now, and i remember i couldnt, i still cant, believe that he let me suffer
that whole time, he knew what i was going through, but couldnt put his damn
pride aside to help his own daughter.
Finally, I dont remember when, but I told him (at this point i knew he wasnt
with anyone anymore) that he didnt have to say anything to mum, but that that
was it. I still have horrble thought about him, i mena, its only been 4
months since we had our last arguement about that, but durig that whole time,
people, even family member would tel me to stop because i was being dumb and
that I had no reason at all to be sad that i wasnt going through anything. of
course i knew they didnt know, but it still hurt.
My mum found out about the cutting and she wanted me to go see a
psychologist, but as i said, I have something against them .I guess this was
a whole trust issue.... before all that had started, a man who i thought was
my friend anls tried to force himself on me... I guess its just really hard
for me to trust people now.
Well i know that people go through much worse things and might read this and
think it was stupid and not worth all the trouble i went through. I', still
depressed and cutting and im scared, becuase its summer now and people will
se the scars on my arms.... I guess thats what i get for being a hard-head
and not wanting to get help...i know i still need it, but im really scared to
have to trust someone...... well, if i can talk to anyone to help them or if
they think they can help me, email me

stephanie

 

My name is Jessica and I'm 16 fixing to be 17 , I'm
a junior in high school. I must tell you first thing
that I've always wanted to be normal. I was born
premature and have had many surgeries all through my
years ever since I was born. I don't look like it at
first glance but I have scars all across my stomach
and my hair on the back of my head is shorter than the
rest b/c the doctors constantly shaved my head. For a
person who always wanted to be normal I wasn't. I had
to wear a hat all through my elementary years and was
always out due to being sick. I go to Children's
Hospital in Birmingham and see the kids in the clinic
in their wheel-chairs barely being able to talk and
having the same disability I have. I guess you would
call it a blessing to look normal and function normal
but its not.Its like being stuck in between and no
matter how hard you try you can never go to just one
side. I remember lying in the hospital bed crying
because they added another scar and shaved my head one
more time and knowing I would have to go back to
school and face the normal kids. I hated pity and I
still do .
This is pretty confusing , isn't it? Well
explaining ones self is pretty confusing , but I'll
keep going because I don't have much time. School life
was harsh for me but isn't it for everyone almost.
I've been going to a small school since third
grade.The type of school where everyone knows
everyone. I was rejected first thing because I wasn't
well off and looked funny. I hate rejection and I
hated those people who thought they were better than
me. I bonded with another reject and we became best
friends. Of course things change , people moved and
new friends came , some who couldn't accept the fact
they were rejected by the "popular" people . It hurt
me to watch them try again and again with no success
,just tears. To make a long story short , elementary
school was nothing but heartache and blocked out
memories.
Then came high school , I can't remember much of
high school , I pretty much blocked those memories
out. To understand what I mean by high school , you
must know that elementary is in one wing of our school
and high school is another ( grades 7-12). I'm
skipping grades 7-9 b/c all I did was cry during those
times. It started in 10th grade , I had found my
outlet. I drank , smoked , used a little drugs and
went wild. I had many failed attempts of suicide , I
have low pain tolerance so I popped pills and got
really sick but never died. I was always depressed but
covered it up with my wild style and humor.
There is so much for me to say , but so little time.
Thats enough with high school. Lets start on my family
life Ha. My dad was a drunk when I was little and he
abused my mom but he quit drinking. Life was actually
great for awhile , my dad had a great job and my mom
was healthy and my two brothers where nice to me. I'm
getting mad thinking about it so I'm not going to talk
forever. My brothers use to beat me with golf clubs
and shoot at me with guns. My mom was at work most of
the time and never believed me. Now my mom is a pain
killer addict and so is my dad and all both do is
whine and complain. My dad lives across our farm in a
little trailer and we live on the other side. My
parents aren't divorced just separated. We are poor
again b/c they blew all the money on stuff we didn't
need and don't use. I have no college fund ( there
goes my dreams ) and I'm trapped at my house because
my mom doesn't want to let me go. I know nothing about
the real world except what I see on T.V. and that is
that I will be rejected out there and will never be
anything.
I'm not pretty and therefore I am nothing ,too
poor to fix myself and too far away from civilization
for help. People say you are pretty and that Jessica
is cute as a button , ha, I don't believe them because
thats exactly what I would say. I'm fat with a bad
complexion and hair that is thick and straw like
because of my constant surgeries. I tried not eating
and throwing up but that doesn't fix the other
problems I have. I beg and plead for help to people
with who can't hear me and still don't understand even
if I wrote it out for them ,no one understands , no
one. My boy friend just broke up with me and my grades
are going down, I have no future.
I guess I should tell you a little about my view
on love. I'm a hopeless romantic , looking for that
special someone to lift me up and help me. A best
friend, someone I can talk to and who understands me
,loves me. I thought I had found that someone , he had
lifted me up out of one of my low times and made me
happy b/c he was a great friend . He dumped me and he
probably wouldn't have if he understood how hard I
worked to keep it going. The longest relationship I
had had up to that point was 3 days , and I was edging
on a month with him. He just calls up and says its not
working out , I laugh and can only mumble out a few
mono syllables and then hang up the phone. My mind
scans over everything I ever said to him and stops
once again at my worst weakness , my looks. I was too
ugly and he knew he could do better , what else could
it be? It hurt and it still hurts , like a raw wound ,
every time I see a problem with myself a little more
salt is sprinkled onto it.
Believe me when I say I hate being this way and I
've tried so many things to pull me out of the
trenches but with no help and some worked for awhile
and some didn't. I looked to God for help but I never
understood Him really , I could never find him though
I knew he was there , I still can't. I'm in a deep
trench now and I don't think I can get out. This
letter is a sort of way of helping myself out of the
trenches either that or a eulogy to my funeral. I had
to get my story out and this is the only way I could
think of. I know this seems like nothing but ramblings
to be deleted but its my life , bits and pieces of
course , but my life none the less.
I'm going to go now , I'm not sure what I'm going
to do but hopefully whatever it is it will end my
pain.

Forever in Hopelessness,
Jessica

 

Teens for Teens:
I have something I would like to add. I'm doing well
today , I even feel a little hopeful in the future .
My brush with myself must have put a better view on
life for me . I'm glad people out there cared enough
to reply to my story. I don't want to die , sometimes
it feels like someone else is controlling my actions
and bringing me down. I wrote my story as an outlet
because I didn't want to end it but there seemed like
there was no way out.I have a better view on the
future and even though it'll take hard work I know I
can get passed this low time and be lifted out of my
trench.
I still have my weaknesses , I still feel low but
my hope has been restored. There are no lies in my
story , its all the truth and it still hurts to think
about it but I'm still here , I'm still breathing.
Thanks for your time and thanks for hearing my
story.
Sincerely,
Jessica ( but call me Jess)

P.S Problems are equal , not matter how big or how
small , they still hurt and are still hard.