personal stories
february
2002


My name is Ashley, i'm 14 years old, Well i think my life first got bad when i was 7 months old, My dad cheated on my mum and ran off with some other women, he obviously didnt care enough about me to stay and i've never forgiven him for it. My mum and i had to move in an apartment and we lived together, i think thats why she is so dependant on me... she's very clingy and calls me when im out every 10 seconds... i cant take it. Anyway.... mum had many boyfriends (what a slut), and she became very serious with one... we all lived together when i was 6 to 9, anyway, that boyfriend was going to marry my mum, they were engaged, then one day he dropped me off at school and he had a car accident on the way home... i was so upset coz i always thought i could've done something to save him...
thats not the worst part...
After he died mum couldn't take it, she wouldn't eat and got really thin, and it was so painful to watch her... but... she went crazy, she's never been the same since he died, she is so hard to describe, all my relatives told her to see a doctor but she wouldn't... she hasn't and as ive been getting older she's harder to deal with...
also that year, my dad had another daughter, the prised daughter, i see my dad every saturday he still lives with that women and his daughter, my half sister... he loves her and would do anything for her... i dont see why he didnt love me... anyway...
a few years later mum got remarried to what seemed to be a nice man. But he beat her up and they divorced, it probably wouldnt of hurt me so much if i didnt see it... anyway...
after him, last year my mum got a store at the local shopping centre, this store ripped us apart she was always there, not that i minded, because i was so upset my life sucked, i had a few boyfriends who used me so i was upset about that too, im fat, im ugly, etc... thats kinda attitude, my friend took me to a place and we got really stoned, ever since then i use marijuanna as an escape, i even had some today, ive started smoking and hanging with "the bad" kids, my grades drop, my mum hates me but she's such a hypocrit, my dad smokes pot in front of me coz he doesn't think i know what it is... and i found my mums stash a few months ago, she is the biggest hypocrit, we were at my cousins 18th birthday and she sniffed some coke which was on the table, i dont think she saw me, but she lectures me on drugs sometimes but i feel like saying "like mother like daughter". This year i had a boyfriend, he got me really drunk one day and i ended up giving him head, if i didnt have my periods we probably wouldve had sex...anyway when my mum knew that he'd came over (all she knew was he came over), she sent me to my aunties house, it was hell, she is a bitch aswell. my mums sister.
I dont think im that bad when i think of all this shit thats happened to other people... but it still really eats me up... everyday i have a fight with mum, atleast 3 times a day... im not suicidal i dont think, but sometimes i slit my rists to calm myself down... im not a physcho, i havnt done it for a while, but i just dont see anything to be happy about... my friends are all really fake, and i just feel too depressed to get out of the house to see anyone... every guy thats ever gone out with me ends up hating me... i dont understand? why doesn't anyone really love me? i dont understand my mum, one day she says "i hate you, im sending you away " or "i wanna kill you" or something, and then another day she says "if anything ever happened to you i'd kill myself" "i love you so much!" ....

i dont know what to do....
i think its just me trying to find myself again, all the bad things that have happened just all rush back and i cant just ignore them...
i dont want to ever end up like my mum...
she is short, very very too thin, blonde hair, green eyes, 40 yrs old....tries to dress like a teenager... it sickens me...
also she tells me that im fat (im chubby but NOT TOO fat!), she always puts my confidence down... i hate being near her... before i came on the net just then she said to me "my life was perfect until u were born"

i dunno what to do...
anywaz this is too long...
my email address is gizgirl_13@hotmail.com... if youd like to write me back your welcome to... thankyou...

from Ash.

 

My name is Christina C. and I have been in mourning for my boyfriend for a years now!

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years was diagnosed with cancer in the first year that we were together. I stuck with him and his family through the whole thing hoping that we would have a miracle. I remained in good spirits for him. I tryed my best to keep him happy, but he knew deep down that i was dieing with him. I would lay with him in the hospital bed day after day just praying that god would not take the love of my life away.

In 2000 Curtis Lee Mabe died at the age of 16. Every day I think about him and all the good times we had. I miss him so much.

The day he died he told me he loved me. It was the first time ever and he died while I was laying next to him.

I want any teen out there that has to go through something like this to know that I know exactly how they feel. and I am so sorry that you have to go through something so heart breaking.

God Bless You All!

 

hello-
Let me tell you a little about my backround of how i became depressed.I was three years old when my parents divorced.since their divorce,my mom has been remarried to a man i completly hate.My dad has been remarried twice,and is now divored.He has five children,two of which who live with me.My other siblings live with their moms.My dad never finished highschool,because he got kicked out for drugs.A couple of weeks ago he quit drugs,and is now in rehab for his second time.I'm telling you this beacause,since my parents have been divored,i have lived with my mom and stepdad.My brother and sister,that live with me, and i would go to my dads house about 6 days out of the whole year,maximum.It really mad us sad because we love our dad,and we never get to see him.It hurt me even more because of all the other stuff that has been happening in my life.I was a little overweight,so the kids at school would ignore me,and make fun of me.I didn't see a problem with it because i was too young, and i was a "mamma's girl".I shopped at goodwill,with my mom because my dad never payed child support.My mom and stepdad could get me knew clothes if i wanted them,but i was always helping people out.So,i guess i was saving money for my family,this was all happening in sixth grade.when i got to middle school,i really got picked on,because i got a little heavier,and i was always the smartest kid in school.By eighth grade i was sick of being picked on,and i wasn't comforatable wearing anything but my sweatshirt,because i thought i was fat.i didn't want anyone to see that fat,so i covered it up.My whole eighth grade year i wore my sweatshirt,everyday,every week,i never took it off.I hated myself,and i hated life.One night i took a knife up to my room and slashed my arms over 50 times.I hated myself,but was afraid to die,so i didn't comit suiside.I cryed every night of my sixth,seventh,and eighth grade years,and stiil cry up to this day,every night.I still think about comiting suiside,almost everyday.I've never had a boyfriend,so i think i am ugly because no one likes me.The only place guys acctually listen to me and liked me was online,but my mom didn't understand that.Everytime she caught me talking to a guy that i didn't know from school or something she would kick me off the computer.It was the only place i could be myself.I always read articles in magazines about teens that are depressed,and the people write them back,and to every person the write that they need to get help from a doctor,but i've already tried that and it makes me feel even more depressed to go see a theopist.My mom took me to see one,after she caught me talking to a guy on the phone that i didn't know.I was at my friends house, and we make a prank phone call, and we started talking to the guy after that phone call.My mom said that i had mental problems,and she took me to a theropist.it was the worst day of my life. i cried the whole time, i felt like the whole world was against me.last year(eighth grade)i got mainly all f's on my report card, when the previous year,i got a's and b's.My mom wasn't happy,and neither was my stepdad.Every year when we go school shopping,i hate it because i want all the cute teen girl clothes, but nothing fits,and it makes me hate the way i look.I think i'm ugly, and when i go to school, i think that everyone is thinking that i'm stupid and ugly.That's about it,and it doesn't seem like the world is coming to an end,but no one understands,so you probably won't either.

-unknown

 

My name is Ashley and I'm from Mississippi. I'm 16
years old in a byracial family. Byracial as in my mom
and I are white and my step dad and brother are black.
I was picked on for years not only about my family but
about how poor we were. For years I knew that I was
suppose to be the one who had no friends or the one
who was always at the wrong side of the jokes. My
fifth grade year a sudden spell of depression overcame
me, being so young I thought it was normal. This
continued for quit a while. My mom had went to college
and got a degree in nursing while my dad began to
practice with the two degrees he never used. I could
now say I wasn't afraid to go to school to be picked
on, however, this didn't stop the depression that
lived in my soul nor did it stop my drug and alcholol
usage. I felt pitty for everything including my self.
I was introduced to Christianity by my schools' club,
First Priority. I fount that all the cool kids were in
there, I wanted to be like that, so I decided I would
become a Christian. The right answer and wrong reason
don't mix. I claimed to be a Christian, but I knew I
wasn't. It was an act to get what I wanted. It worked
until my Freshman year. Until I met a guy, he was a
Christian and new to our school. I thought I could
fool him, but he saw who I really was. I didn't care
though, what was he to say? November 2000 I was
introduced by him to another guy(guy 2). They both saw
right through me. The strongest Christians I think I
had ever met. I came to a wall, I knew what I was
doing was wrong, and I was becoming so depressed that
I was afraid to wake up in the morning. I had never
believed that suicide notes and slitting your wrist
were real forms of suicide, they were calls for help,
so I decided that I was going to go all the
way...Living with two medical profecinals I knew how
and what to do exactly to kill myself. I did it...but
my mom fount me. I was rushed to the E.R. only to get
my stomache pumped and find my friends there.
Including guy 2, who I was going out with. I went to a
mental hospital...found out that I wasn't as crazy as
I thought. I stoped feeling sorry for myself and
decided I was going to get the help I really needed. I
got out after a week and went to the two guys for
help. After months of hard work(mostly me being
stubern) I got saved. I never knew this person was
living inside of me. Guy 2 and I are still together (
I believe he's my angel in disgues), and I talk to the
other Guy sometimes(not often enough) I know how it
feels to be at the bottom of a rope only to find stuck
up Christians there, I have vowed never to be that way
and never to reject helping someone. Sometimes it's
only a friend or a few good words that someone might
need to help save their life, I will always be here,
ready to help save even one person or answer even just
one question. I hope you never have to go all the way
with suicidal decissions, I've met a lot of people who
did and there's no turning back.