personal stories
december
2002


Hey i want to write this up for a girl named michelle who wrote a story in the november section. i know exactly whar you're going through. i went through a realization period when i found all of my friends we're using me. i went through some horrible stuff because of them and because of myself. years of r doubting, cutting, drinking, drugging. but i got through it somehow. the world can be superficial and fake, but it can also be really great. i probably sound like tony robbins, but girl listen to someone who's been there. there's a lot of horrible stuff out there that life is going to put you through, but you'll make it. i strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. i'm sorry for your experience, but it'll get better, i swear. good luck and stay strong.

 

As a 15 year old girl, it's natural for a person at such a young age to be remotely depressed.We've all got our issues and yes some can be really hurtful, but to ever think you might be alone, is a totally different answer. Everyone goes through their days where life stinks and everyone else around you, who you've always looked up to and trusted, one day just turned their backs on you. For me it was such a big deal that i myself couldn't handle. My world stopped and all i could think about was suicide. I always told myself what was the point of living when there were no one there who cares about you, yes it scared me but the pain was so unbearable not even god could help me. The environment i lived in was just so weak. You hear everyday someone loses their lives to suicide, you think it's just plain wrong, but in the same way, you could relate to it. I have had a cousin and 2 close friends who died of suicide and eveyday i think that i might be next.I thought that sharing this story might help me. I just hope people read this,and know for a fact that we need to be clear and try to make the most of our lives , because i don't want anyone to have to go through the things i went through.

-Judy-

 

Parents can make any decisions they want as they are the ‘bosses’ of the house.  They can bring in a new partner who they believe they ‘love’  and just made the child accept the adjustment, little do they know that a child’s feeling’s run deeper than any one can ever imagine.  Being one of these children myself I have had to learn to accept the fact that my mother has brought someone into my territory.  The truth is that I have never learned to accept that and I never will.  I don’t know why, I have no particular reason for this, I just know.  Sometimes I wish that there was a study conducted on all divorced children who have stepfathers, stepmothers, etc., that they could find out why some of us will never learn to accept our changed circumstances, so then, maybe, people will understand our feelings, they will understand that we are not just being ‘difficult and selfish children’ that there is something that lives in us that is so deep inside that it is inexplicable, something that not even we ourselves understand, what I do know about it though, is that it just wants to live in a happy family, free from divorce. free from stepfathers and free from hate.  That’s all I want in life.  Nothing else would make me happier.  There has always been a lot of criticism of my feelings, people would say, “But what about your mother, obviously you don’t care about her feelings you don’t want her to be happy,” these are the people who make these feelings even more confusing.  I do want my mother to be happy, after all she’s been through it would be wonderful to see her finally enjoying her life, yet I just can’t shake the unsettling feeling I always seem to have about the whole situation.  For some reason it just doesn’t seem right.  I literally shake on the inside whenever I think about it, I’ve been to countless therapists none of which seem to understand, I’m even on medication for the whole thing, but it just doesn’t help, not in the slightest.  I just can’t live with another ‘father figure’ knowing that my real father isn’t anything like it, maybe I just don’t like the fact that someone is trying to replace my own Dad, or maybe I am just one of these people who can’t bear to live in a broken home.

You know, it’s funny, the most commonly asked question I receive coming from a broken home is have I contemplated suicide.  The answer was no up until a couple of weeks ago.  But for a while now I’ve felt like a bullet winding through a very long tunnel, any minute it’s just going to come out and start hurting people.  I’m at the point now where I am in so much emotional pain that I dearly want to escape my body, I actually feel like I am doing myself harm by staying inside this body, this life, and you know what?  I’ve never thought of it as suicide.  I think of it as a means of hope, that maybe there is a better life waiting for me somewhere out there, that maybe God will realise that this body that I’m in has been through too much, and it is time to move on to a new one.  When I made this decision I had never been at so much peace with myself.  I felt happy that finally I had found an answer to all my pain.  If I leave this body then maybe, that will even make my Mother happy, she is then free to do what ever she likes see whomever she wants and live with whoever she feel like.  Now this would make her truly happy.  Sure, some people may say that it would be heartbreaking for her to lose a daughter but she has two sons that she feel like aren’t her sons, she kicked them out when they were 3 so I don’t think it will matter if she loses me.  She can handle it.

A lot of people will think that this is a terrible thing for me to say.  I even think this is a terrible thing for me to say, but I have reached my limit emotionally now and I am beginning to get very desperate for any way out.  I cry myself to sleep nearly every night, I am severely unhappy during the day and when I am around others I act all happy and sociable like everything is ok – like a happily divorced kid.  No-one is yet to see through my fašade, no-one yet has figured out that there is no such thing as a happily divorced kid.  Many of you reading this may disagree, but after talking to many other divorced children I have come to the conclusion that they have all dealt with the same pain.  Divorce to the child is always heartbreaking no matter what the situation, ask someone to remember the time that their parents got divorced and it is almost guaranteed that they will cry themselves to sleep that night or sometime that day.  It is a horrible thing to experience and as I see people marry and have children so young – such as Taylor Hanson – I pray that they never have the audacity to put their child through that kind of heartbreak no matter what the circumstances. I just hope though that many of the children being born into young marriages have the same support network as little baby Ezra will.  He is one of the luckiest babies I know and I truly hope that it works for them. ----------------------------------------------------

Well that’s about as much pouring out as my heart can take today, I hope that I have touched at least one person through my thoughts and that there are many others who have been through divorce that also wish for a happy future.

 

Anonymous.